


Day Nine

by Willowy



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-08 18:53:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16434932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowy/pseuds/Willowy
Summary: He's out of prison, exonerated. He's coping. At least she thinks he is.





	Day Nine

 

* * *

**Chapter 1**

* * *

It had been nine days since she'd seen him. He wasn't taking anyone's calls, either. She'd found out from Emily that he had gotten his mother tucked safely back into Bennington, an atmosphere she was thriving in, once again. Good news.

But what about him? Since then, she'd worn her husband's patience thin by talking about him constantly. She couldn't get him off her mind, and her deep concern for him was permeating every action, every area of her life. At times she felt she might be losing it, the enforced inability to communicate with him pushing her to the edge of panic.

She'd talk herself down, reassuring herself that he needed solitude right now after his ordeal, but that he would reach out to her when and if he needed someone, something, anything. But would he? And if not, how would she know? How would she know if he was okay, or in trouble, or worse yet – heading into that dark place she knew he could go sometimes. The place where he pushed everyone away and fell into the blackest part of his beautiful mind.

So here she was. She'd taken a personal day and here she sat in her truck in front of his apartment. She'd looked up and seen the curtains were drawn, as she'd expected. No light could get in, despite the sun being out in all its glory, today. She hesitated to go up. He might not let her in... but she had to know he was alright. That's why she was here. It's why she'd come.

Her feet felt heavy as she climbed the steps to his door. She had to see him, but she was also afraid of what she might find. And what if he rejected her, ignored her, stayed hidden?

Good thing she had her key.

She knocked. No response. She knocked harder. Silence. She debated calling out to him. Since his imprisonment, she hadn't wanted to pressure him into doing anything against his will. He needed her to remind him he had choices, again. That his decisions were his own... to take back his free will that had been yanked from him so swiftly, suddenly.

She called to him finally because it was necessary. He needed to know who was out here, who it was that stood at his door. She stiffened her resolve and raised her voice. "It's me. Will you let me come in?"

Silence. She knew he was in there, she could sense his presence,  _feel_  him on the other side of the door. She waited for what felt like long minutes, her hand against the door, and when there was no response, she pulled out her key.

As she slid it into the lock, she hesitated. What if he... what if he has someone in there with him? What if he is guarding his privacy because, like with Maeve, he doesn't want us to know? She felt a pit opening in her stomach as she thought of it. No, he wouldn't... couldn't do that. We said no more secrets. We swore it to each other.

She unlocked the door with a loud click, and pushed it open into what seemed at first total darkness. As the dim hallway lighting shifted the shadows in the room, she let herself in, kicking the door shut and making her way around the furniture. She put her hand on her weapon, a reflex, as she started down the hallway to his bedroom.

It was then she heard him whisper. Just a single word and she jumped and turned around at the same time.

"Here," he said, softly.

He was seated, his back to her, in one of the club chairs he kept next to his largest bookcase. Squinting, she made out the outline of his head, hair tangled and mussed, haloed against the banked light creeping around the edges of the curtains.

She straightened and put her hands in the pockets of her trenchcoat, then moved around to stand in front of him.

"Hey," she said as her profiler's eyes flicked over him, taking it all in.

He sat shirtless and barefoot, in flannel bottoms, arms draped atop the arms of the chair, a short glass of...  _was that whiskey?_  held loosely in one hand. She caught her breath as she noticed that while he had always been slender, she could see the outline of his ribs protruding starkly in the dim light. He obviously hadn't eaten in days. The pit in her stomach widened at that knowledge.

Pushing all of the admonishments that flew to her mind off of her tongue, she swallowed, and said "I needed to see you."

She thought making it about her need was the way in. That he'd brush off any offers of help for himself... but if  _she needed something_ , he might respond.

He lifted his unshaven face for the first time and met her gaze, his eyes black and sunken in shadow. "Are you okay?" he said, his voice coarse from disuse, and alcohol.

Her heart cracked at the sound of his voice, but she pushed forward. "No, I don't think so. Someone I love very much is in trouble, and isn't letting me help."

"Psssh," he responded, waving his hand limply in her direction. "I'm taking a little time off to focus, that's all. I'm fine." He looked away and lolled his head on the back of the chair.

She took a step towards him, but reined herself in at the last minute. "Is that right." she said, a statement, not a question.

He lifted his head and looked at her, his vision swimming as his gaze moved up and down the length of her body. He swirled the whiskey in his glass and raised it slowly to his lips taking a sip, his eyes catching hers. "Drink?" he asked.

She bit the side of her lip to keep her sharp retort from escaping and said instead, "I'm actually kind of hungry. Do you mind?" and she gestured towards his fridge.

He nodded and she opened it, unsurprised to see that it was practically empty. She hadn't known many single guys who cooked a lot, and this was pretty typical. A few eggs, a block of untouched cheddar cheese with a green corner, a quarter half gallon of milk, and a few slices of withered pizza were all there for the taking.

She stole a glance at him out of the corner of her eye, slumped in the chair, sipping his drink, and the crack in her heart widened. This wasn't him. She took the eggs and milk out and whisked them together using a fork, found a frying pan and a spatula and got to work. Soon she had whipped up cheddar scrambled eggs and put a pot of coffee on.

She went to him and reached for his whiskey. "Can I see this for a sec?" she said, as she took it and set it down on the side table. "C'mere a minute," she said as she took hold of his hands and helped him to a standing position. He swayed, and she put her arm around his waist, steadying him.

He was silent during all of this, but watching her. He had a pinched expression, like one of anger that he didn't know what to do with.

She started to lead him to the small dinette, but he reached over to grab his glass. He turned to her and said, "I need this."

She reached up to smooth his furrowed brow, eyes penetrating his, and said, "Not now, you don't. You need  _this_." She gestured toward the food.

The aroma hit him and he found she was right. Suddenly ravenous, he didn't argue. He focused on the blurry plate and sat down hard in the dinette chair. JJ watched him attack the eggs and moved back to the kitchen to get him a cup of coffee. There was no sugar, but she went to pour a little milk into the cup and he murmured around a mouthful of eggs, "Black is fine."

"That's new," she thought, but didn't say anything and passed it over, then lowered herself into the nearest chair and pretended to not watch him eat.

When he finished, she leaned in and grabbed his hand. He sipped his coffee cup with the other, and looked over the rim at her. He looked her up and down again and it was almost like he didn't recognize her. What he asked next was the final crack in her heart.

He leaned toward her, squeezing her hand, and whispered, his words slurred, "Are you... really here?"

* * *

**Chapter 2**

* * *

Tears filled her eyes as the gravity of what he'd said took hold. He was still unable to trust himself, trust what was right in front of him. Was he afraid of his decisions since Mexico, and didn't trust his own senses any more? His inebriated state wasn't the issue, it was the workings of his mind she was concerned with. If a man second-guesses what his own eyes tell him, what personal hell must he exist in?

She reached for him, and he clung to her. She could feel his heart slamming against his naked chest. He wasn't just unsure... he was terrified. She pulled back and took his face in her hands, that beloved face, such an open window into what and who he is... she caught his gaze and forced him to look at her, forced him to  _see_  her.

"Spence, I'm  _so_  here... I'm here and I'm solid and I'm everything you're seeing right now.  _Feel_  me. Just... here." She took his hand and placed it over her own beating heart.

He smiled then, small and tentative but there it was and she smiled back.

"JJ," he whispered, "Of course you are..." And he embraced her again. She held him as tightly as she dared, there was no part of her that even thought to let go.

I... just I can't get my brain to slow down right now. When I first got out, I couldn't get it to work at all the way I wanted, then with everything happening so fast with work and with mom, I... now I can't get it to slow down. If I can find a way to control it, then I can get back to normal... or whatever it is that passes for normal for me."

"What passes for normal for you is  _perfection_ ," she said, tears tracking her cheeks. And you'll be fine, you will. You will get back on track, and I, we, will all be here to make sure you do, alright? Tell me you hear me, Spence. Tell me you believe me."

He looked at her for a long moment, and said "I do. I mean, I want to, and thank you. I need to get through this by myself though, JJ. I need to work it out."

She smiled at him then, understanding. She grabbed a napkin off the table and wiped her face and smiled at him again. "You will. I know you'll do whatever it takes. You're the strongest person I know."

He stood slowly, wobbling a bit.

"Whoa there, maybe not at the moment," she said, only half-joking. She stood and put her arm around his waist, and he leaned into her as they headed towards his room.

"I could do bed, yes," he said, his whiskey slur almost gone now.

JJ nodded and they headed down the hall. She watched as he crawled into bed, then reached to pull the covers up around his shoulders. She sat next to him on the edge, and he took her hand.

"Thank you for the food, I feel better already. And thanks for being  _really here_." He lightly kissed her knuckles.

She pushed an unruly lock of hair off his forehead and said "I'll always be  _really here_  for you. I love you."

"Don't go..." he murmured.

"I won't."

And he was asleep. Probably due to the booze and the full stomach, but she'd take it. To hear him tell it, he hadn't been able to shut his amazing mind down enough to even catch a few hours, lately.

As she watched him breathing evenly, she began thinking of other things they might do together, like meditation, yoga... even tai chi that he might enjoy, and committed to researching... well, getting Garcia to research it for her. All of those practices helped with focus, and energy redirection.

But first on the list was to find him a good therapist. A dispassionate professional that could identify what he was experiencing, and treat accordingly. She knew she was too close to see the totality of his issues and how to help him fully, and she was no expert, admittedly. But she could be there to lend support, and she would.

She went out into the living room and called Will to let him know she was staying for the day, probably into the night, and to not wait up for her. He wasn't exactly thrilled, but he trusted his wife and JJ wouldn't have stood for any argument anyway. Will had learned long ago to pick his battles, and he had never won any such battle regarding Spencer Reid.

She selected a book of poetry from his personal library and read on the sofa for the next few hours, one ear peeled for any signs of distress, the ticking grandfather clock the only sound in the room.

* * *

She woke with a start on the couch, a loose-knit throw blanket over her.  _"I dozed off,"_ she thought. She pushed the throw off and got up, hurrying to check on him only to find his bed empty.

Fighting down a surge of panic, she heard the front door bang open and ran back out, as Spencer returned carrying a grocery bag in one arm, and Chinese takeout in the other.

"I think you woke up my stomach," he said.

She went to take a bag from him and gave him a scolding look. "I would've gone with you, you know."

"What would've been the point? Plus, you looked so cute sleeping there. I think we both needed that."

"Cute?" she snorted.

"Yeah," he said, smiling.

A welcome sight, his smile. She felt an unexpected tug on her heart then, and quickly started dishing up the Chinese food as he put away the groceries. He of course had gotten her favorite, broccoli beef, while he had his usual cashew chicken and cream cheese wontons.

"No chopsticks?" she asked, already assuming the answer.

"Actually, before my entire life turned upside-down, I had started practicing. I think I'm... or  _was_ , getting the hang of it.

She walked over and tilted her eyebrow-raised face up to his, smacking him on the chest with a pair of the paper-wrapped bamboo utensils. "Prove it."

He smiled again, lifting his thumb to swipe a bit of sauce from her cheek, then sobered. "Isn't Henry getting home from school soon?"

JJ dropped the chopsticks onto the table, then turned and looked squarely into his eyes. "Spence, it's alright. I've got it covered."

"You mean Will's taking care of the boys while you're here babysitting me."

"Yeah, that's what I mean. And if you're implying that I shouldn't be here with my friend when he needs me, then we are going to have words. Is that what's behind this 180 degree turn you miraculously made after one nap?" She stuck her chin out and crossed her arms.

"Hey... n-no!" He reached out and rubbed her forearm. "I mean, I'm grateful anytime you're here, anytime we're able to spend time, regardless of the reason. The memories of all our time together with or without the boys is what got me through the worst of it in prison. But, I also never want to be any reason you need to be away from them, JJ."

She softened, seeing his genuine concern for his godsons tugged at her heart all the more. She grabbed his hand.

I'm here now, and I'll go home when I need to, alright? That's for me to decide, not you."

He tilted his head down, smiling again. He reached for his food container and slowly opened it. "So... you think you can just order me around, huh?" He picked out a cashew and flicked in onto her face.

She jumped, startled and opened her mouth wide with shock. "Ohhhkayy," she said, calmly picking a piece of broccoli off her plate and thwapping it above his eye where it slid down his cheek, slowly.

He dug into his carton and grabbed a piece of sauce-coated chicken and chucked it into her hair, defiant.

She shifted her eyes to watch it slide down her head onto her shoulder and mouthed, "You're dead," before grabbing a handful of the beef and slinging it onto his shirt, then smearing it around for good measure.

She stepped back, pleased with herself, and she spread her arms wide in challenge as he gaped at her, unbelieving. Then it was on, and they were at each other, flinging rice and wontons and saucy cuisine at each other, cursing and cracking up the entire time. The floor was a mess, slimy and wet and JJ slipped and went down, laughing. She pretended to hurt her hip, and Spencer slid over and fell on his butt, producing a fresh round of laughter from his culinary adversary.

Their mirth wound down to a soft trickle, and they leaned against each other, greasy hands entwined, worn out. She picked a slice of beef off his chest and ate it, and he flicked a scallion off her eyebrow. They looked at each other's bedraggled appearance, and together they surveyed the mess they had made, food all over the kitchen floor, cupboards, counter. Spencer sighed, not caring. She really was unbelievable. He mentally grounded himself, and focused. She wasn't his, he knew. Not yet.

"Would you look at that – no chopsticks required," he said.

"That was your goal all along," she shot back.

"My godsons would have loved this.

"They would've won," she said.

"I suppose you'll run off and leave me to clean all this up now," he said.

"Depends."

"On what?"

"If you'll whisper-translate  _Missing You_  for me, I'll stay."

"Deal."

* * *

**Chapter 3**

* * *

"So... who showers first?" she said.

For the briefest of moments he thought of suggesting a simultaneous solution to that issue. For the briefest of moments he saw her notice his hesitation, and the mischief written on his guileless face. For the briefest of moments he considered what he'd do if she ever took him up on it.

Then the moment was over and she smiled wryly, rose and offered him her sticky hand.

"Right, me then," she said.

He grabbed her offered hand and stood. "Of course!" He said, a little too loudly.

JJ reached up and palmed his cheek, her thumb stroking his cheekbone. She tilted her head to the side and searched his eyes, squinting a little. She let her hand drop and turned to head for the shower. She cleared her throat and asked "Will you do me a huge favor and grab my go-bag from the trunk?"

He watched her walk away, then registered what she'd asked. "What? Oh! Sure." He cleared his throat too and tried to regain his composure with a quip. "I just hope the neighbors don't think I was dipped in hoisin sauce."

Her hand on the bathroom doorknob, she leaned back to look at him and said, "You kinda  _were."_

Spencer went to the kitchen sink and washed his hands, splashing water on his face to rinse off the food bits. He shut off the faucet and braced his hands against the stainless steel sink, leaning. He exhaled.

He was usually so careful of not crossing that line with her. He never wanted to do anything to screw with their friendship, as deep and as meaningful as it was to him. But sometimes... he was only human. He'd loved her for a third of his life. It was only natural he'd slip, now and again. Especially recently, when he didn't really have solid control of his thoughts and emotions. When he'd been literally fighting for his life daily, just weeks ago, and she had been his lifeline.

He shook his head, dried his hands, and grabbed her keys.  _"She's not yours and you know it,"_ he reminded himself.

JJ closed the bathroom door and leaned back against it, shutting her eyes. She wasn't kidding herself. She knew. She'd known all along. She loved him too. But it just wasn't  _like_  that. Sometimes she wondered if it might be wrong to keep inserting herself into every aspect of his life. To be his comfort, his solace, his go-to for everything loving, supportive, and feminine in his times of need. He was so careful, so respectful of her choices and so embracing of her love when offered, but when he let his mask fall, as he'd almost done tonight when she brought up the shower, it was all she could do to put the brakes on. Her cheeks colored at the thought of them showering together, and it definitely wasn't an unpleasant feeling, quite the contrary. It was difficult to find her footing when their boundaries became blurred, and it seemed to be happening more and more often.

Yet the thought of anyone else being there for him as she was, or, my god,  _no one_  being there for him... was horrifying to her. She always prided herself on being able to make the best decisions where her loved ones were concerned. But here, with him... she was never sure. She only knew- if she was being honest, she knew- that she needed him as much as he needed her. Was it her ego only that demanded she be the one he always responded to, turned to? Was it? She reached behind the shower curtain and turned on the hot water. As the steam began to form, she stared into the mirror.

"Admit it JJ," she thought to her reflection. "What would  _you_  do without  _him?"_

Spencer went down to the parking lot in all his sticky glory. He got to JJ's car and clicked the trunk lift on her remote, and reached in and grabbed her go bag when he heard a soft drawl speak up behind him.

"What happened to  _you?_ "

Spencer turned and there was Will, hands in his jacket pockets.

Startled, he said "H-hey Will, what are you doing here? Where are the boys?"

"Mike's with Sandy and Henry's waiting for us at the school. He got in a fight and I'm here to pick up JJ."

"What? What happened?" Spencer said, alarmed.

The two men started walking back inside, and Will said "Some kid knocked off his glasses, and Henry fought back. I'm kinda proud of him."

"Wait, Henry's being bullied?" The confusion he felt earlier about JJ fled his mind as his protective instinct for his godson roared to the forefront.

"Yeah, looks like it. I tried to call but she didn't pick up her phone, so here I am. We're expected back at the school."

Spencer pressed his lips together against the sudden rage that washed over him. He wanted to throttle that little bastard for knocking Henry's glasses off, for having the nerve to lay hands on him. All the bullying he'd ever experienced himself, including the most recent adult versions of it in prison came flooding back all at once.

Will noticed the look on his face and said "Hey man, don't worry, we'll get to the bottom of it. Where is JJ, by the way?"

Spencer shook his head and said. "Shower."

It was Will's turn to be surprised. "Shower? Care to fill me in, or...?"

Spencer glanced down at his own soiled clothes and said, "Food fight. You'll see the aftermath when we go inside, that's why I'm getting her go bag."

Will didn't really know how to feel about that, but once inside he took JJ's bag and went to the bathroom, knocking on the door. " _Cher",_  he called, "we gotta go to the school. Henry's okay, but he's been in a fight."

She opened the door immediately, towel wrapped around her, hair still dripping. "Will? She took her bag from him and said "Okay, I'll be five minutes, you can explain in the car," she shut the door.

"I tried to call." He said to the door.

He walked into the kitchen and saw Spencer cleaning up the mess. He let out a low whistle. 'Sorry I missed it."

Spencer kept at his task and said "I started it, it wasn't JJ's doing."

"I only meant that it looks like fun."

Spencer nodded and smiled, briefly. Only a profiler would've noticed the tinge of envy in the other man's voice.

An awkward silence settled. Spencer consumed with worry for Henry while he cleaned, and Will didn't know what else to say.

JJ came out ready to go, her still-damp hair pulled back in a ponytail. She went to Spencer and he stood as she approached. She grabbed his hand and said "I'm sorry to leave you with all this."

He squeezed her hand and said "No worries, it'll keep me busy for a minute."

She smiled at him and said "I'll call you when I find out what's going on."

He nodded and said "Thanks. I wish I could go with you."

"I know." She locked eyes with him and said "I'll be in touch, I promise."

He nodded and said, "You'd better get going."

"Let's go." She said to Will.

Then they were gone. Spencer finished wiping up and tossed the paper towels in the trash and the sponge into the sink. As he headed for the shower, he couldn't stop thinking about Henry. He fought the urge to go jump in his car and drive over to the school. He knew with Will there, he'd just be a third wheel. He'd have to be content with JJ giving him the rundown, afterwards. He felt, he knew, that he'd be best suited to help Henry get through this, and he wondered how long it had been going on. He knew JJ would ask all the right questions of the principal, but he had a few of his own.

He reached for his phone and texted her, then dropped it on the bed, trusting her to get back to him with answers. He pushed back the curtain as he climbed into the shower stream and let the water rush over him. He began recapping the day in his head, reliving it bit by bit. He tilted his head back and relaxed as the warm water fought its way through his tangled curls, rinsing away his concerns along with the hoisin sauce.

For now.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

* * *

Will relayed the events as he knew them as they drove to the school. They found themselves stuck in traffic, the delay grating on JJ's nerves.

"So, food fight?" Will probed.

JJ looked out the window. "Uh huh."

"So, how'd that happen?"

She looked at Will, eyebrows raised. "Not a big deal, just a few minutes of messy fun. Something to break the spell of gloom he was swimming in." She looked out the window again, eager to get to Henry.

"So, I mean, how did it happen? Were you cooking, or something?"

Irritated, JJ sighed. "No, Will, I had already cooked him eggs earlier. But I was napping and he went to get groceries and picked up some Chinese food on the way back. He hadn't eaten in days. He said I was being bossy about the chopsticks, and threw a cashew on my cheek, and that set the whole thing off. Any more questions?"

He focused on the road ahead as he said in a lowered tone, "So you cook for him, you sleep there, you play there, and you shower there."

"That's right,  _and?"_  JJ defensive now, staring at him, her arms crossed.

"It sounds like you're really at home in his apartment, JJ."

"Don't mince words, what are you implying? And it better not be what I think it is because you know as well as I do what he's been through, and how alone he is right now. His ribs were sticking out, for god's sake!"

"His ribs, huh?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, and I saw his feet too! Why don't you just say what you're really asking?"

"Alright. It seems to me that the two of you got pretty cozy. I know it's been a while since you've seen him, and I know he's been trying to figure out all about Diana since he got out... but let me ask you – how would you feel if I described all this to you, about me and a woman, a woman that wasn't you?"

She swallowed. "Will. If it wasn't Spence, I could see your point. But you know he is my dearest friend. You know I would never leave him to twist in the wind. You know exactly what he's endured these past months, every minute, and you know what happens when he isolates. How, you tell me  _how_  I am just supposed to walk away from that, from him?"

"I know there's special circumstances, but it feels like... sometimes it feels like you have two husbands, and he always takes priority. Hell, even when he was  _away_  he was with us. You couldn't think of or talk about anything else. And JJ, you know how he feels about you."

She didn't deny it. "He doesn't push, Will, he never has. Are you trying to tell me to stop being there for him? Because..." she looked him in the eye and shook her head.

"No, cher. I won't, even if I want to. I know you know your own mind. I'm just telling you...  _I_  need you, too." He covered her hand with his.

They pulled into the school parking lot and she pulled her hand out from under his and held it up, ring facing him. "Well, this says you have me, right? Just like you wanted. We need to focus on Henry, right now. Let's go."

They got out of the car and JJ jogged to the entrance, clipping her badge onto her belt, and leaving Will to bring up the rear. "Just like  _I_  wanted?" he thought.

They took the meeting with the principal, and after securing apologies from the parents of the other boy, and a guarantee it wouldn't happen again, JJ was still seething. Will seemed to think the boy's suspension was fair, but she requested copies of all the reports and eyewitness accounts from the other kids, which were pretty much a consensus, as kids go. The boy who hit Henry had no history of bullying others, and it seemed to be a one-off incident.

JJ had asked Reid's questions; 'Were Henry's grades falling or had he been acting out at school, did the boy who hit him have any history of hurting animals, did any other child defend or attack Henry, was this in public like on the playground, or private like in a bathroom or empty classroom, and had the boy targeted Henry before?' Will closed his eyes as JJ ran through the litany, and received answers to her satisfaction.

"Profilers," he thought.

The LaMontagnes left with the assurance of the staff that they would be vigilant, and that no further incidents would be tolerated. JJ texted as Will drove. He knew to whom.

"You want to get your car tonight, or tomorrow?" He asked, even though he already knew the answer.

"Tonight." JJ turned round to Henry in the back seat. "Hey, you want to say hi to Uncle Spence for a minute?"

"Sure! Aww, just for a minute? Longer!" Henry brightened, all smiles.

Will set his jaw but stayed silent. JJ noticed, but knew how much good it would do Spencer to hug his godson, especially after what happened today. He'd been unable to see, speak, or hold Henry for months. That ended tonight.

As Will pulled into Spencer's lot, he said "I'll go get Mike, we'll meet you two back at the house."

She touched his hand, and offered a peck on the lips before exiting. "Okay, we won't be long. See you soon."

He watched as Reid came flying out the building door, scooped up Henry and swung him around to gales of laughter from his son. He watched his wife stand back, her gaze fixed on the two of them embracing, her hands interlocked and held against her chin, her eyes shining.

Quite the picture. Hell, if he hadn't been her husband, he'd have been rooting for them, too. He pulled the car away slowly, wondering how long it had been since she'd looked at  _him_  that way, and also... how much longer he had until she finally admitted her true feelings.

* * *

**Chapter 5**

* * *

As she watched the two of them play chase around the basketball hoop and various vehicles for a few minutes, JJ could see Spencer was getting winded. She stepped in and yelled "Okay guys, time to wrap it up!" she clapped her hands. Henry trotted over to her and Spencer brought up the rear, lifting Henry off the ground in a bear hug.

"Mom's the boss, let's get you in the car," he breathed.

"Aww, okayyy," Henry sighed. "But I'll get you next time!" The boy returned the hug and Spencer plopped him down, and Henry clambered into the truck. Spencer reached around, and buckled him in.

"Hey Henry, watch." Reid said as he pulled an egg out from behind his godson's ear, a look of total surprise on his face. "Is that how you were able to run so fast? A magic egg?" Reid's expression was one of awe.

Henry dissolved into laughter and he grabbed the egg. "How did you  _do_  that? Where did this come from, Uncle Spence?

"I don't know, maybe you should ask the next chicken you see!" Spencer added as he sprinkled a few stray chicken feathers on Henry's head, setting him off again.

Spencer got serious for a moment and said. "Hey Henry… the next time you find yourself in a situation like that at school?"

Henry sobered, and nodded.

"If there's no grownups around, I want you to pull an egg out from that bully's ear just like I did yours tonight."

The boy dropped his chin. "But I don't know how to do magic like you do, Uncle Spence."

"Henry, you know a magician never gives away his secrets, except to his assistant. I think you're getting old enough now… how would you like to be my  _official_  assistant?"

Henry's eyes widened. "You mean it? You'll teach me magic tricks?" he whispered.

Spencer pretended to ponder, pacing back and forth, stroking his chin. "Well, do you promise to keep your grades up?"

Henry nodded vigorously, his eyes alight.

"No more fighting?"

"Yes, I promise!"

"Ask your mom."

The boy looked quickly at JJ, pleading.

She gave a little nod and said, "I can't think of a better magic mentor, can you?"

Spencer threw his arms straight up and said "DONE! You are officially on board and we'll start your lessons next time I see you, okay?"

Henry reached for his godfather and squeezed him tight, the hug warmly returned.

"I love you, and I know you'll be the perfect assistant."

"I love you too, this is  _great!_ " the boy replied, his face shining.

Spencer ruffled Henry's hair and shut the door after making sure his feet were tucked inside. He walked over to JJ, hands in pockets, her smiling face warming him as much as Henry's enthusiasm had.

She looked up at him admiringly. "What a great idea. He'll love it, and he'll get to spend more time with you."

Reid placed his hand at the small of her back and led her around to the driver's side door.

"You discovered my evil plot."

They smiled at each other and she reached up, pulling him to her. She let her cheek linger against his as she whispered, "More time spent with you is only for the best. For the both of you."

She leaned back and held his face in both hands, her thumbs stroking his cheekbones. He rubbed his cheek against her hand for the briefest of moments, closing his eyes. He said, "I thought about it while you were at the school. I wanted to give him another way to fight the bullies. It worked for me some of the time, I mean, magic, you know? Kids love it."

She dropped her hands to his waist and hooked her fingers in his belt loops. "Anyone ever tell you you're a genius?" She said, wryly.

"It's been suggested," He replied.

He looked into her eyes and forgot where he was for a moment, swimming as he was in their glittering blue depths. She returned his gaze as he reached for her hands, squeezing them.

"Today was about as good as it gets, JJ," he whispered. "Thank you."

"Still looking into his eyes she said, "You deserve so much more."

"I'm not sure I do."

"Spence. Why would you say that?"

"Ahh, JJ…" he breathed out, tilting his head back. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of a mess."

She shook her head. "Look, we've all been there. You will go through exactly what you need to - no more, no less. It's not in your nature to be self-indulgent, and once you've worked through it, you'll come out even stronger than before. You have unlimited resources, Spence. Stop being so stubborn and let all of us help you… like you're helping Henry."

"I hadn't thought of it like that. I never thought I was being stubborn. I thought I was protecting you all."

"From what?" she said, surprised.

"From whatever it is that's making me act like this, feel like this. It doesn't feel like a mood… it feels permanent."

JJ shuddered inwardly at that, chilled by his words. That he might be feeling changed for the worse, and powerless to do anything about it.

"Okay, listen." She caught his gaze again and noticed the fear behind his worried expression. "We're not going to shunt this aside and treat you like your feelings aren't important, like they don't matter. We're going to get you expert counseling, and we're going to embrace whatever we need to do to help you deal with it all the very best way possible."

He looked down at her earnest face, hopeful but skeptical. He'd love to be able to put more stock in what she was saying, but she, none of them, had lived it. JJ had seen her own horrors, he knew, but none had been through what he had. Seeing her resolve warmed him, but it didn't guarantee any promised outcome. He could feel that was still a long way away, if it was even attainable at all.

She saw his both his hope, and his disbelief. She needed to get through to him, and she tried a different approach.

"Spence, do you trust me?"

He stammered, not expecting her to not know that he did, implicitly.

"M-more than anyone in the world."

"Do you think I'm the kind of woman who's easily fooled?"

"Never."

"So you'll understand when I tell you, you're not fooling me, Spence. I know my dearest, wonderful friend is still in there. He's even standing in front of me right now." She grabbed his hand.

"What makes you say that?" He whispered, wanting to hear more.

"I spent the day with him, most of it, and it was normal and messy and wonderful." She shook her head.

"I know you're in a bad way right now, but today you've proven that you remember what it's like to share with me, to laugh, to care about other people, and yourself. Remember who you are, Spencer Reid, because I will  _never_  forget, and I will always be here."

Her words brought tears to his eyes, and as he looked into hers, he saw she felt it too. She reached up to embrace him again, pulling him close. He held her as tightly as he dared and let himself be convinced by her words and her nearness that this, right now, was everything he needed. Through his tear-blurred vision, he saw Henry asleep in the truck, and he gathered himself, planting a light kiss on her head before reluctantly releasing her.

Her gaze followed his and she saw her sleeping son, realizing his need to be home and in his bed. She looked into Reid's face one final time and said… "I want… I need to talk to you about something else… soon. Very soon, if you're up to it."

He cleared his throat and looked at her through heavy lidded eyes, and he noticed the stress lines form around hers. "Anytime, JJ. What are you thinking? How can I help?"

She looked down and placed her palms gently against his chest before glancing up at him again, eyes locking with his. He saw her determined expression as she said:

"It's time for me to make a change."

* * *

****Author's Note** Okay, time for me to decide if this story will continue. It takes place over the course of a single day, but these themes could continue to develop if you readers would like to see more. The title could then come to mean the beginning of this tale. I leave it to you, please let me know by pm or review what you would like to see. And THANK YOU for all your interest!**

* * *

**Chapter 6**

* * *

Spencer closed his apartment door and leaned his back against it, thoughtful. He reached absently to click the deadbolt as he wondered what she could've meant.

_"It's time for me to make a change." she'd said._

What kind of change? He remembered every word of their conversation and up until that moment she hadn't hinted at any imminent changes she wanted to make. Was she talking about them, their friendship? Was she referring to something regarding Henry? No, that conversation had ended way before she…

_"…I will never forget, and I will always be here."_

Always be here. Be here? As in, with him? The thought of her suddenly seeing her way clear to fulfilling his wildest dream seemed… unlikely at best.

He pushed off from the door, shaking his hands which had inexplicably gone numb. Pacing back and forth he tried to make sense of it. At first he couldn't, wouldn't, allow himself to even entertain the possibility. But Sherlock Holmes said when you remove the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be true. She had been more affectionate, which he admittedly loved. It had felt genuine, and natural, and he had just accepted it like he always accepted whatever she did.

He loved her. He fully knew it and had never tried to deny himself that one thing, that secret. The knowledge that he would do anything at all for her, lay down his life for hers if it came to that - which it had, on occasion - was a source of solace for him. And it was his alone. It was something that he'd never shared with any of the team, not his mother, and definitely not Jennifer. He had always felt it would be selfish to tell her. To lay that on her when she was entrenched within her own family unit would be inconsiderate in the extreme, not to mention self-serving. And he was afraid, too. Afraid any declaration on his part could alter their friendship, even harm it, irreparably.

Scouring his brain for anything else she could have been alluding to was fruitless, now. All he could think of was the possibility that she would come to him, declare her feelings, and then… and then…

 _And then what, Spencer?_   _Then what. Why the hell would she turn her entire life upside down for the likes of you?_

Reality took hold and he shook his head, feeling foolish he'd allowed himself to entertain such a flight of fancy, even for a minute. A further reality check and he decided he wouldn't ever want her to do that. She'd be starting an avalanche of repercussions that none of them would be prepared to handle. The fallout for the boys could be catastrophic, and there's no telling what Will would do. He definitely didn't know what he would do, given that circumstance.

Regardless, he would find out soon what she was thinking, he felt. It didn't seem like this was something she wanted to sit on much longer. He'd be happy to help her with anything he could. Anything at all.

* * *

Spencer returned to work that week, thinking that he needed to. His self-reflection had become circuitous and tiresome, and he wanted to be back where he could do the most good. He realized he was still a work in progress, but felt more than capable of returning to the job. One morning, JJ approached his desk, a Mona Lisa smile on her face. He beamed at her, that particular smile only for her.

"You sleep well?" she asked.

"Sure," he replied, averting his eyes.

Profiler or not, she could easily tell when he was lying, he did it so badly.

"Spence. Nightmares?"

He looked down at his lap, his cheeks coloring at being busted.

"Not really, just… the usual."

"Having trouble shutting off your brain?" she pressed.

"It's nothing. I'll work it out."

"I know that you will, but this might help a little," she said as she plopped a brochure onto his desk.

He picked it up. "Tai Chi?"

"It's all about controlling your focus and breathing. Very deliberate muscle movements. People find it both challenging and soothing, and there are varying levels of difficulty."

He looked back up at her. "JJ, I don't know… it's pretty athletic and I'm not… I don't…"

"I thought we could do it together."

"I'm in." That got a laugh from both of them.

"Seriously, you think this could help me?" He waved the brochure.

"Among other things, but I think it's worth a shot, I've been reading about it and the team thought it'd be good for you, too."

He colored again, flattered that she'd gone to this trouble.

"Okay, when do we start?" he said.

"As soon as we get back from this case." She pointed to the briefing room as the rest of the team filed in. "Looks like you came back just in time."

He hoped she was right, and that he wasn't rushing things. But if felt right, and he'd been away so long already. They wended their way up the stairs and he lightly touched her arm before they went in.

"Hey…" he whispered.

She turned to look at him, eyebrows raised.

"Thanks."

She grabbed his hand and gave it a light squeeze as her eyes found his. "You never have to thank me, you know. Besides, you'll be hating me next week when you're sore from the Tai Chi."

His eyes shone as he replied, trying to keep a straight face. "I hate you already. Didn't you know?"

She winked and turned to go inside. "Sure you do."

* * *

**Chapter 7**

* * *

Spencer and JJ finished Carry the Tiger Over the Mountain, turned, left heel-kicked, and slowly bent to Snake Creeps Through the Grass, in unison. They moved as one into Shuttle Back and Forth, then Needle at Bottom of the Sea before sliding into Parry and Punch, Apparent Closing, Cross Hands, then finally, Closing.

He reluctantly opened his eyes, breaking through the dimension of peace he'd been moving within just seconds before. Her eyes found his as she handed him a towel, and noticed his calm, relaxed expression.

"Wow," she said, wiping the sheen of sweat from her brow.

"Yes," he whispered, doing the same, and thinking she looked positively glowing.

They locked eyes as each came back to Earth, the soothing experience ebbing slowly as they took in their surroundings, the shared intimacy of what they'd just done warming far more than just their muscles. Practicing in the park was a great idea, the swish of the blowing tree boughs, soft grass under their bare feet, and warm, early morning sun enhancing their practice.

The Leader of the group, Tran, came up to Spencer and said "Your balance is improving. Closing your eyes is a great way to internalize your movements, as there's no visual distraction. It creates a more personal experience."

"Thank you, thanks. JJ suggested it, and we thought we'd try it today," he responded, nodding to her by his side.

"You two are my best students, I've never seen anyone take to the practice so quickly. You've mastered over half the moves, and it's only been a few weeks," Tran said. "Keep it up!" He walked over to the others.

Spencer smiled at the encouragement and leaned down to pick up his go bag, JJ doing the same. They walked in silence to her truck and got in, still thrumming from the effects of the practice.

"Hoo," He exhaled, leaning back in the seat. "Why doesn't everyone do this?"

"Right? I really needed this today." She answered.

Spencer put a pin in that and said,"Have I thanked you yet for getting me into it? I never would have sought it out if you hadn't made the suggestion."

"Is it helping? Now that we've been at it a few weeks, I'm curious what you think."

"It has helped, a lot more than I first thought. It felt so awkward at first and I didn't see the point, but then it was almost like I found a groove and the movements started becoming almost automatic. The breathing, the focus… JJ, it has really helped. My therapist has noticed too," he said.

She leaned back against the headrest, turning to look at him. "I'm so glad. Welcome back, Spence." She reached for his hand.

He took it in his, entwining his fingers with hers and asked "What did you mean a minute ago when you said you 'needed this today' - is everything alright?"

She removed her hand from his and wiped both her palms on her thighs several times before answering.

"Spence, I have something to tell you."

The tranquility of earlier was shattered in a second as he read her face. There  _was_  something wrong.

He steeled himself and said "You know you can tell me anything."

"I know. And I want you to be completely honest with me. It's something I've been trying to work through, to handle on my own. I haven't wanted to involve you at all but you're going to find out… and I want you to hear it from me."

"JJ, you're scaring me."

She turned to look at him again, determination sculpting her face. "I've left Will."

The edges of his vision turned dark as the meaning of her words took hold. She watched him closely, gauging his response.

Spencer looked at her for long moments before responding. His knee-jerk was to exclaim and shoot rapid-fire questions at her… but instead he took a breath and said "Are you okay?"

Three simple words and her composure broke. Tears filled her eyes as she thought of how very dear his response was. His mind must be filled with a thousand questions, but his initial reaction was her well-being.

Alarmed by her sudden tears, he reached for her and said "God, JJ… c'mere."

She let herself be folded into his embrace for a moment, but then pulled back and wiped her eyes. Spencer's worried expression broke her heart.

"I owe you an explanation," she said.

"Take your time. I'm here and I want to hear it all." He lifted the towel off his neck, using the clean part to dab at her cheeks, his heart slamming against his breast.

She took a breath and looked him straight in the eye. "It's important to me that you know that this is all my decision. He didn't do anything wrong… it's just… Spence it isn't fair for me to stay with him while I'm trying to figure this out. He's a good man, and I just need some time and some space to get a clear picture."

"Do you want to tell me what you're trying to figure out?" He reached for her hand again and squeezed.  _What was it?_

Looking up at him from under hooded eyes, she leaned in, her other hand cupping his cheek as she said, "This." She lifted her face, her lips pushing against his in the gentlest of kisses.

He stopped breathing, his eyes open. He instinctively responded as he thought " _Is this really happening?"_

She broke the soft kiss and leaned back a second before moving towards him again and Spencer whispered her name as their lips connected again, this time deliberately, warmly, and she made sure he knew it was no accident.

He reached up, holding her face as he kissed her, and he didn't know what was real.  _Was he dreaming?_  He'd kissed her many times in his dreams, but nothing had ever felt like this. He lost himself in the moment, the taste, the fragrance of her overwhelming his senses. He stroked her silky hair as the kiss grew more insistent, and she let slip the smallest bit of her tongue against his. He opened his mouth just a little more as she pushed against him. He felt himself growing, getting hard as iron as they kept going, his breath coming faster as the seconds ticked by, her breathing rapid and matching his own, her kisses rising in intensity and he matching her passion, kiss for kiss.

This time he broke contact, breathless, his forehead against hers and he had to ask… "Does this mean…?"

She nodded in response, pulling him against her once more. They couldn't stop, didn't ever want to, years of banked fire flaring into life between them. Time lost all meaning as each felt under a spell, their hands roaming, seeking, discovering places on each other they'd never dared to go.

Long minutes later, they stopped to catch their breath. Spencer stared at her through shining eyes, her messed hair and swollen lips beautiful evidence of his dream come true.

She watched as his breathing returned to somewhat normal and looked into his beloved eyes as she said, smiling, "Now it's my turn to ask you if  _you're_  okay."

He reached to lightly tangle his fingers with hers and said, "You've made me extremely happy today. How long have you known?"

"That you have feelings for me?" she asked.

"Yes."

"That's a good question. I really can't tell you exactly when I first got a clue, but it was years ago, Spence."

He nodded. "Since before the Redskins game."

"All this time…" she breathed.

"Yes. I mean, there's been a couple of people, and of course Maeve… but other than that it's always been you."

His honesty both flattered and honored her, and she felt a flash of guilt for keeping herself from him for so long. "If I'd have known we could've saved a lot of time."

"But then see, you wouldn't have the boys and I wouldn't have known her. Things happen the way they do for a reason."

"You still believe that, after all we've been through, all we've seen?" she asked.

"I try to."

She lifted his hand and dusted her lips across his knuckles.

When did you leave him?" He asked.

She nodded. "Last week. He's pretty torn up, he doesn't want to believe it, doesn't want to give up. But I need the space, Spence. I need to know if my feelings for you are as real as they feel right now. I-I'm not in love with Will, and I'm sorry it took you being in prison, you being taken away from me to wake up and take action."

"There's a part of me that can't believe we're having this conversation."

She smiled at him, reaching over to cup his face again, her thumb stroking his cheekbone. "I hope we'll be having many more like it."

He leaned his face against her palm. "Where are you staying?"

"I'm staying with mom, but I'm over there every day we're in town to tuck the boys in."

"Are you worried about them?"

"No. I mean yes, I feel guilty about putting them through this… but they're used to me being gone, and they love you so much. The one thing Will doesn't argue with me about is shared custody, so the boys will always have the both of us, probably more than they do now."

"Does he know?"

"That I have feelings for you?"

Now it was Spencer's turn to nod.

"He suspects. He's been griping about it for years, but it's been worse since you've been away. Apparently I couldn't stop talking about you, I was pretty crazed. I think he knew before I did. He knows me well."

"And loves you."

"Yes," she replied.

"I know how he feels."

Her heart skipped a beat to hear him say it directly, and she looked at him adoringly, her eyes filling again. She knew, deep in her core, that she loved him too and wanted nothing more than to blurt it out right then and there. But she wasn't ready yet. She had to be sure this wasn't just a potent reaction to his incarceration.

"So what next?" He asked.

"I hadn't gotten past the telling you part. I'm still working through things and it's going to take some time, Spence. Can you give me that?"

"I don't want to be greedy, but to be honest, there's a part of me that doesn't ever want to leave this car, now that I know. You have to know this is my dream."

She leaned toward him and took his face in her hands again. "Just know, that I can't imagine my life without you. That I want you  _in every way,_  need you, and that I'm doing my best to work it out."

He covered her hand with his own. "Let me know how I can help."

"You can kiss me again."

He obliged, beside himself with joy.

* * *

**Chapter 8**

* * *

Spencer stretched out on his couch, a book open face-down on his lap, his hands folded behind his head. The BAU's case load was light this past week, and they all had received a rare day off. He'd tried to get into the book, he knew he could get through it in a matter of minutes, but here again, he was troubled by a lack of focus.

This time though, it wasn't due to any trauma or PTSS. This time, his focus was just… elsewhere.

While intellectually, he knew he should take a step back and look at these new developments logically, reasonably… he also knew that he was poorly equipped to do so at this juncture. He was hopelessly gone on her, and he had been for half his adult life. He knew the true person she was, and that knowledge through the years had just strengthened his love. The fact that she now admitted to reciprocating his feelings, was a miracle he never thought to receive, and… god the way she looked at him, now. He tried to not obsess over it, but his perfect mind couldn't help conjuring the image of her eyes, her face when she told him what she had done, and her true feelings about it all.

What she had done. He was floored, though he tried not to show it, that she had taken such a step. He had never expected it, and now that it was done, he wondered at the permanence of it. Might it be  _undone?_  Could Will's insistence override what she had confessed was the truth? Would he, could he, use the children as an effective lure or threat to bring her back?

Reid didn't think so, but these were questions that were reasonable to ask, even if he was just asking them of himself. He wanted to call her, talk to her right then, but he knew she needed room to figure all this out. His understanding of her request for space didn't put a damper on his need to see her, though, and he fought with himself before deciding on a quick text. She could ignore it if she wanted, but he needed to reach out.

"Hey."

The response was immediate. And even though she wasn't one for emojis, the tiny 'x' that followed her returned "Hey" made his heart skip. She'd never done that before.

"Been thinking about what you said. Also thinking about the boys. Free for coffee later?" He replied.

She texted back, "With them now, and I'm always free for you. You want to see them, too?"

"Absolutely."

"They'll be thrilled, let's say 4 at the park?"

"I'll bring the coffee and smoothies."

"Perfect. Miss you."

"You just made my day."

"You're easy."

"Not sure anyone's ever called me that."

"Haha, see you at 4."

"See you."

* * *

The day had turned towards blustery but it was still nice enough to enjoy the park, and there were a few other families out, too. JJ and the kids were already there as Spencer turned up with the smoothies, blueberry for Henry and banana for Michael. He presented JJ her coffee with a flourish, and it was of course exactly how she liked it.

She laughed as the boys leaned in for their hugs, then Henry took off to the slide, his brother toddling behind him. The grownups made their way to a bench on the edge of the playground, JJ keeping a watchful eye. They sat, and she leaned in for a hug of her own, then settled against him as he stretched his arm out behind her on the bench. He almost kissed the top of her head, but figured Henry might have questions if he noticed, so he held back.

Everything was so comfortable between them. It felt so natural for her to be here, leaning into him, his godsons playing in front of them. Right this moment, he didn't have a care in the world.

"How are you?" he asked her.

"I'm okay. Henry's had some questions, but Michael hasn't really noticed any difference that I can tell. I'm being honest with Henry, just not going into too much detail. He's 9, you know? He's fine with that. He  _was_  upset at first, Spence. When I told him that I was going to stay with mom. That's been the hardest part.

"Can I help?"

"Yes… I mean sure," she squeezed his hand. "If he wants to talk or anything, just let him know that you aren't going anywhere and that you will be in his life more."

He nodded as he watched them play. "Like you said, Michael's too little to worry about it, especially since he's still going to be seeing you and Will pretty much daily. It's Henry that worries me. I don't want him to feel abandoned or angry. And I'm nervous about him… resenting me. Does that sound selfish?"

JJ glanced up at him, then looked back at the kids. "It's a valid concern, Spence. I don't know, these are uncharted waters for me, too. I'm just following his lead, so far. He seems to be adjusting, but it's only been a couple of weeks, so we'll see. Regardless, he loves you like crazy. If we can just build on that, we'll be okay, I have to believe that. How are  _you_  doing?

He tilted his head back and looked at the sky. "Jennifer. You're dealing with a husband that doesn't want a divorce, trying to maintain normalcy for your son who's old enough to understand and see what's going on, all the while maintaining your own sanity, staying on the job, and owning up to your feelings about me. I'm really not looking to unload on you right now."

She looked straight ahead and said, "And this is only  _one_  of the hundreds of reasons I love you. We'll figure this out, Spence. Soon. For now, for today… tell me the biggest thing you're feeling. I need to know that."

He looked straight ahead as well, catching Henry's eye and waving. "Okay. I'm lonely. I'm lonely for you. Before, it was workable, because I thought you were happy. Now? I can't stop thinking about you and about being with you and… it's a deeper, much deeper thing. That's it, that's the biggest."

Michael toddled to JJ and crashed into her legs, laughing. "'WING!" he shouted. JJ stood, sweeping him up and hugging him tightly. "YES! Let's go!" she said. She turned to Spencer, "I hear you, and I get that, more than you know. We need to figure that out, like  _now."_

He watched as she carried Michael to the swings, dangling him upside down. He smiled and dried his sweaty palms on his pant legs. He still found it hard being honest with his feelings, but it was  _her._  He was done holding back. He stood, putting his hands in his pockets, and walked over to Henry who had just completed the rings for the fourth time.

Henry dismounted, dusted himself off and looked up at his godfather.

"Hey wow Henry that was cool! I didn't know you could do that," Spencer said.

Henry shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets, too. They walked together to the leafy wooded edge of the playground lined with gravel, and crouched down.

"What do you think we'll find today?" Spencer asked, producing a small magnifying glass from his pocket and passing it to Henry, who bent to the task.

"Igneous for sure… maybe an obsidian piece if we're lucky. Uncle Spence?"

"Yes?"

Henry peered through the magnifier at the rocky gravel. "Are my mom and dad gonna get divorced?"

Spencer paused, then said, "That's for them to decide, Henry. Whatever happens, it's important that you know you and Michael always come first. You guys are the most important thing on their minds and both of them love you more than anything in this world. You know that, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good. You be sure and keep that thought first in your mind, okay?" Spencer tried but Henry avoided eye contact.

"Uncle Spence?"

"Yes?"

"Are you going away again?"

Reid felt a cold trickle knife through his chest in response, he wasn't expecting that and it tore at his heart that Henry was thinking that way – would all the adults he loved abandon him? But this was one fear he could allay.

"No Henry, as a matter of fact, you'll be seeing me much more, if you want. Would you like that?"

And now his godson did make eye contact. "I'd like it a lot."

"Me, too."

He opened his arms and Henry reached to hug him tight around his neck. Spencer patted the boy's back and squeezed him just as tight.

"Don't worry about anything, okay? Me and your mom and dad will figure out the adult stuff. You just concentrate on being you, and being the best big brother you can be for Michael. Does that sound fair?"

Henry leaned back and wiped away the few tears he had shed. He nodded and stood up, handing the magnifier back to his uncle. "I feel better," he said.

Spencer stood and ruffled Henry's blond head. "Hey you know what? That makes me feel better, too. Race you to the swings?"

He smiled as his godson sprinted off, leaving him in a cloud of gravely dust.

* * *

**Chapter 9**

* * *

**ATTENTION: This chapter is definitely NOT rated "T". If I write more along these lines, I will change the overall rating of the story, but for now, be advised that MATURE content will follow in this chapter. Enjoy!**

Reid let himself into his apartment, his head aswirl with thoughts of Henry. He remembered what it was like to be that age, and how it felt when your parents were deciding to be apart. He remembered the feeling of tearing, rendering in two that it caused in his gut, and what it was like to endure it alone. He would make sure that Henry never felt alone in any of this. He would be there for him and Michael at the drop of a hat. He knew JJ and Will would be, too.

He felt guilty for his part in JJ's leave-taking, and had for the first time an inkling of what it must be like to be a parent. How concern and love for the child shifts your priorities. Not that he wanted her to change the choice she had made, he wouldn't ever want her to trap herself in a loveless marriage, not for anything. That would be even more harmful to the kids. It's just that it was human nature to look for cause and effect, and he knew he was partly the cause of her decision. A big part.

He ran his hands through his hair and hung up his jacket. It was only around 8 o'clock, but he wanted to get comfortable and don his flannels before diving back into that book. He'd already eaten his dinner at the diner up the street where he was a regular, and he was settling in for a quiet night of music and reading. He moved to the stereo and lifted the lid. Flipping through his vinyl collection, he landed on Louis Armstrong - Under The Stars, and said "Oh, yeah", before putting it on the turntable and lifting the tone arm, then setting the stylus down on track three; "I Only Have Eyes for You". Appropriate.

Spencer unbuttoned his thin, navy blue cardigan as he headed to his room, and again felt the pangs of her absence. He knew he was perfectly capable of enduring it, he'd had enough practice, but things were different now and she made everything so much better just by being near. Everything was brighter, softer, and his heart swelled every time he looked her way. He was wondering if she ever had similar thoughts about him, when he heard a soft knock on his front door.

He came back out and opened it to see her standing there, her shy smile the first thing to catch his eye.

"Hi!", he said, surprised and happy to see her.

"Hi yourself," she shot back.

"Not that I'm not glad to see you… but what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I don't know. I was in the neighborhood and rumor has it that there's a  _lonely guy_  living here so I thought I'd stop by and-"

Spencer closed the space between them and picked her up, swooping her inside and kicking the door shut behind them. JJ laughed as he spun her around, and held on tight. He leaned back against the closed door and still holding her aloft, said breathlessly "I was just thinking about you."

Her eyes sparkled as she looked into his and she whispered "I thought you might be."

She had barely gotten the words out before he captured her mouth in a warm, lingering kiss. Her hand slid into his soft hair and she brought her other around to caress his cheek as they deepened the kiss, tasting each other slowly, languorously. He lightly nibbled on her lower lip and said "I've been wanting to do this all day…"

"God Spence, me too," she murmured back.

They kissed for long minutes, then stopped for just a moment to breathe. They looked at each other, smiling, and JJ said, breathless, "It's a good thing you're holding me up, I'm not sure my legs would support me right now."

He rubbed his nose against hers and said "I kind of like this, you can't get away, and we're both the same height", as he kissed her again.

She said "Why would I ever want to get away? I just got you. And you know, there's another, better way we can be the same height."

"Are you a mind reader, now?" He said, his breath coming hard and fast, his cock wanting to.

 _"Let's go…"_  she sighed into his ear.

"Are you sure?" he breathed.

She nodded and wrapped her legs around his waist. "Unless you'd rather not…?"

In response he kissed her again, and headed back to his room faster than he thought possible, Louis still singing on the stereo after them.

* * *

He tossed her lightly onto the bed and watched her bounce, her hair splaying all around her like a halo before yanking off his cardigan and tossing it on the floor. She smiled up at him as he tugged to remove his pullover and she sat up.

"Spence… let me," she said, her eyes wide.

She scooted to the edge of the bed and untucked his shirt, sliding her hands up under the soft fabric and feeling the quivering muscles of his abdomen. It was all he could do to remain still as she stroked his stomach, planting little kisses all along his belly, her fingers exploring him, teasing him. She stood and lifted his shirt off, as he raised his arms to help. She bit her lower lip as she ran her hands over his chest, and he gasped as her fingers brushed across his nipples, in tandem.

He reached for her, his hands shaking as he undid her blouse button by button. She watched his face as he worked his way down and through his half-lidded eyes, his pupils fully widened, she saw as well as felt the depth of his emotion. She shrugged off her blouse, then reached around behind her and unhooked her black satin bra letting it fall to the floor. She caught his tempered groan as he saw her breasts fully naked for the first time.

He dropped to his knees, reaching for her as he looked up into her face. She nodded imperceptibly and he rested his hands on her hips as he copied what she'd done to him, his thumbs stroking her taut abdomen, his lips dusting kisses on her belly as he moved upwards, slowly. She dropped her head back, digging her fingers into his soft curls and moaned, loving the feel of his lips against her heated skin.

He stood as he worked his way up, one hand cupping her breast, the other caressing her cheek and he said her name as he kissed her, full on. He moved to thumb her nipple and dropped his other hand to fondle both breasts. She gasped as he lowered his head to take one nipple in his mouth, while he took the other between his thumb and forefinger, pinching it lightly then rolling it, making her moan aloud even more.

She lifted her face to kiss him again, even as she dropped a hand to his zipper. She could feel how hard he was and she wanted, needed to get her hand around him, to get him out. She deftly undid his belt, unzipped him and released him into her hand, his rigid cock leaping against her as his pants fell to the ground.

"God, Jennifer…" he groaned as her hand encircled him, stroking him, teasing him. She ran her thumb over his tip, slippery with pre-cum, and she moved to kiss his clavicle, his throat, and up to his ear catching his lobe in her teeth, then sucking it lightly as she stroked his hard member, slowly. He gasped as she released him abruptly, she stepped back and undid her belt, unzipped, and pulled her jeans down, stepping out of them delicately, her black silk panties gleaming in the low light of his room.

His first instinct was to reach for her, grab her, throw her onto the bed… but that wouldn't do for this goddess. He knew he'd never seen anyone so absolutely beautiful in his life, and tears sprang to his eyes as he took her in, entirely. He closed the short distance between them and slid both hands down to her waist, reaching around behind to cup and squeeze her perfect bottom. He hooked his thumbs along the top edge of her panties and brought them around front, holding her eyes with his the entire time. He twisted his wrist and tucked one hand inside the black silk, his long fingers finding her slick center.

JJ gasped as he worked his fingers, dancing them across her clit back and forth, dipping into her own natural lubrication to keep from chafing her. She pushed herself against his hand in a slow rhythm, her eyes closed. She felt his hardness insistent against her hip, and she wanted nothing more than to shove him deep inside her  _now._  Instead she gripped him again and he groaned, louder this time. He clutched at her, wanting her impossibly close, but she wasn't done teasing him yet. She lifted her foot onto the bed, opening herself to him, and she rubbed his cock against her soaked panties. It was her turn to reach around and grab his ass as she rocked her pussy against him. She threw her head back as the delicious friction of his cock against her silk brought her to the edge of orgasm… then she let him go, and Spencer cried out at the loss of her hand around him, the sudden loss of her wet heat. She reached up and grabbed his face in both hands, kissing him hard, her tongue probing further, more insistent that she ever had, and he joined her, meeting her passion. She slowed… delicately devouring his lips as she moved his hands down, down. Even through the fog of his arousal he got the hint and removed her panties, finally. She turned around and pulled his bedcovers down, her ass on full display. Spencer reached for her and she avoided his touch, crawling onto the plush bedding.

He stood watching her, breathing so hard, not knowing what to expect, and she slowly rolled over onto her back. He moved next to the bed and she bent her legs at the knee. She moved her hand down between her legs for a moment, stroking her tiny, trimmed golden triangle and tossing her head back with a light moan.

That was it for him, more than he could take and he lost the last of his self-control. He reached for her, pulling her to the edge of the bed and guided his engorged cock to her ready entrance. He moaned and dropped his head back as he made contact with her wet center, whispering  _JJ, JJ, JJ_  like a mantra, over and over as her waiting wetness teased his head. She gripped the bedsheets and turned her head to the side opening her mouth in a silent gasp as he held himself at her entrance, refusing to move in any further. She couldn't wait another second and she wrapped her legs around him, pulling him to her. There was no stopping him then. He pushed into her slowly at first, marveling at how incredible this penetration felt inch by inch, then his hips began moving of their own accord, pumping faster over and over into the tight, warm, wet world that was his Jennifer, his JJ, his love.

She lifted her hips to his as they slammed against her inner thighs, meeting his thrusts and arching against him. He reached for her breast as he pumped into her, the bliss, the sheer pleasure of being inside her like nothing he had ever imagined. Her hand covered his as he kneaded her breast, and she arched her back as she sped closer and closer to her own climax. Unable to bear his distance any more, she moaned and pulled him on top of her, his full weight on her as she came, kissing him hard as her breath left her, her cries of pure ecstasy echoing in his ear.

He stared at her as she looked at him through heavy lids, a wan smile turning up the corners of her kiss-swollen lips. He was so close, yet he had slowed his pace to watch her, in awe, and now she held him tighter, and whispered  _"Come for me, Spence. I love you... I love you..."_  as she rubbed her face against his.

He felt her inner muscles tighten around his cock again, as she slowly moved her hips against his. He propped himself up on his elbows so as not to crush her, the better to see into her eyes, god her eyes, her parted lips, her breath coming so fast, their sweat mingling and  _"love you, god I love you, always loved you..."_  he whispered as he kept going, and buried his face into her soft, fragrant hair spread out beneath him. Her nails dug into his back as he moved in and out of her and he sped up as he felt his release building, yet again.

She moaned into his ear and murmured  _"My beautiful man, don't you know that's just how I like it, just like that, don't stop Spence baby don't stop, give me all of you, that's right..."_  she moaned again and tensed her powerful muscles around him once more and a groan escaped from the deepest part of his soul as his eyes rolled back and his body took over, explosively shooting what felt like his very life force into her. He gave over to this feeling, lost in this new miracle as she held him, both in her arms and inside her most personal place, and he felt complete. Transcendent.

She woke an hour later, tangled in the sheets and in his arms, still exhausted. JJ bit her bottom lip as she watched him still sleeping, and she lightly smoothed his tangled hair from his forehead.

 _"Precious,"_  she thought. She realized that he was the most honest, the most open lover that she had ever had, his passion and appreciation for it all was so compelling and incredibly sexy. His beautiful face had been so revealing, she felt like she had been exposed to every emotion he'd experienced.

She wondered if she was his first. He had held on for a long time and he definitely had had some practice... but it didn't matter. She would be his last, she knew. This amazing intimacy had been the last, the final thing that they had never shared with each other.

As she curled into his warm, sleepy embrace once more, she thought,  _"Sweet man, we have so much lost time to make up for."_

* * *

**Chapter 10**

* * *

Spencer woke with a start in the wee hours, unused to having anyone else in his bed, even a beloved anyone else. He smelled her fragrance before he saw her, dark as it was, and relaxed. His eyes soon grew accustomed to the dark and he made out her outline, reaching over to stroke her hair.

 _"Goddess…"_  he thought.  _"All this time I knew."_

She stirred and reached for him, and he pulled her close, enveloping her.

"Mmmmm, good morning?" she murmured against his chest. She kissed him right where his heart was and he bent his head to kiss the top of hers.

They pulled back a little and entwined their fingers, facing each other as the room slowly lightened.

"Are you comfortable, can I get you anything?" He asked, his voice quiet.

She looked into his eyes and gave a small smile. "Thanks, I'm really fine." She kissed his fingers.

He gazed at her, remembering every perfect moment of the night before, and said. "I can't go back."

She looked at him in all seriousness and responded, "I know."

"You've asked for space and I respect you and trust you more than I could ever tell you in words… but I can't go back to the pretending," he said.

"You mean pretending that we're just friends? Spence, I don't want you to."

"It isn't any secret that I've loved you for… pretty much ever. Last night you showed me such… depth. So much sharing, passion, beauty… I could never go back to sitting on the sidelines. You've… changed my life." he said.

"And you've helped me to change mine. Made me realize… what it is that I really need. As a woman, as a mother… I've needed you for years just like you've needed me. Will you forgive me for not realizing sooner? Can you?"

"I think last night was… an excellent start." He smiled, smoothing her hair back from her eyes.

She smiled back at him. "It definitely was." She sat up. "But there is something."

He sat up too. "Tell me."

"My boys. I know for certain they are not ready to hear that we are together." she said.

"Well, I do know better than to start kissing you in front of them just yet." he answered.

"I know. I don't have all the answers and... one that I don't have is to know for sure how long this adjustment period will take."

"So what are you asking?" he asked.

"Can you understand… that they will have to set the pace. I'm not… I can't skew their reality so radically and so permanently all at once."

"I would never ask you to. I get it, and I'm right there with you. There is something that I need to say, too."

"Tell me," she said.

"I still have work to do," he said. "On me."

She looked at him, tilted her head and tears pushed behind her eyes. "Oh, Spence. I know. The last thing I expected was that last night would be some cure-all."

"No, no… I don't mean…" He grabbed her hand. "JJ last night was a revelation for me, you have no idea how much… what you did for me. Kind of like a… solidifying, a validation of what I've known forever, if that makes sense? I'm not minimizing what happened between us in any way, and I'm NOT saying it didn't have an effect on me, god no. What it did do was make me more determined than ever to come to you  _whole._  And I can't lay that on you. I want us to be together… I don't mean to sound cliché, but... for the rest of our lives. And now, I'm more certain than ever that I need to be the very best that I can, for all of us. You, me, my godsons... work, the team. The last thing I ever want to be for us is some twitchy, depressed jailbird that can't hold it together."

"Spence, I completely hear you. But we are all a work in progress. That's what life is. I'm here with you because I love not who you'll eventually become, but because of who you  _are._  Do you have things to work through, and do I worry about you? You bet your ass. But I also know who you are inside, in your mind and your heart. And THAT is who I love, and trust, and want, and need. And despite some very real issues that we will work out together, that man is sitting right here beside me, right now."

He kissed her, long and deeply and said, "You have that much faith in me?"

The fact that he even had to ask made her want to burst into tears. That he had gone for months believing that no one cared, that no one would help him, that he was thrown away, discarded… it was almost more than she could stand.

She swallowed, and pushed him down against the pillows, straddling him in one swift move. "You listen, Spencer Reid. I'll give you every bit the space you need, just as I've asked that from you. But I will not sit idly by while you struggle. I am yours now, and you are finally mine and I will never let you feel alone, in your head or in your heart, ever again.  _Spence..."_

And then the tears did come. He pulled her to him just as his own leaked out the corners of his eyes. Their tears mingled with their kisses and he murmured against her mouth, "Right now, I feel like the luckiest man whoever lived."

She laughed then, and sniffled, and she looked into his warm hazel eyes as she sat up, still straddling him. "Yeah?" she said, wiping away her tears. "How 'bout I remind you just how right you are?"

"How 'bout that." He whispered, as she bent to kiss him once more... and again, and again.

* * *

They arrived at Quantico at the same time, JJ having gone home to Sandy's and gotten ready. To her credit, her mother didn't ask any questions about her daughter's whereabouts last night even though she was curious. Will had called before breakfast, so she knew JJ wasn't with him.

Sandy had an inkling as to where she might have been. She knew, at least partially, the depth of feeling her daughter held for Spencer Reid, and she naturally wondered if that's where she'd been. Had she asked, JJ probably would've told her, but she instead respected her privacy and refrained.

JJ knew she'd have to tell everyone about her and Will, soon. When she had first left him, it had ostensibly been to clear her head, and see things the way they actually were. Well, she had found out. For all his objections, it had turned out that Will was right - she was in love with Spence. She had held onto her marriage as long as she could, and for that she was sorry. She should have had the presence of mind to see that Will was correct, all along. Separating was the best thing she could have done, she realized that now, and only wished she had done it sooner. The distance allowed her to see what she had convinced herself wasn't there. But it was there, now she knew it, and it remained to be seen what came next. She only knew that she couldn't stay married to Will any longer. How to go about the divorce was another matter entirely.

Spencer held the door for her as they arrived simultaneously. "You'd think we planned it," he said, smiling at her.

"Maybe now we're on the same wavelength." she joked.

"Actually, you could be sort of right. There's multiple studies on the Law of Attraction and how depth of emotion can affect what happens in the physical world."

"There's my Spence." She hooked her arm through his as they rode up to the sixth floor in the elevator. "It's gonna be hard not to let on that something's changed."

"They  _are_  profilers," he said, nodding.

"I've decided to let the team know, well, Emily and Garcia, that I've left Will."

"It's a good start. You know Garcia will tell Morgan. And Emily will probably tell Hotch next time she talks to him."

"Yep. I just don't feel like the rest need to know at this point. Not really their concern, you know?"

"It's up to you. We'll do it all your way, and I'll back you up at every turn. You realize Rossi probably already knows?"

She laughed. "It wouldn't surprise me."

"Morgan will call me, how much you want to bet?" he chuckled.

"No way, that's a sucker bet. He's always had his suspicions about you and me. Something tells me when they do find out about us, nobody will be too surprised."

"I want to take out an ad, buy a billboard, get up on the roof with a megaphone… I'm so happy, JJ." he said.

She planted a quick kiss on his cheek, then wiped her lipstick off. "Me too."

The elevator doors opened and he said. "See you later, Agent Jareau."

"Hey Spence…"

He looked back at her as she mouthed  _"Love you"_ , and try as he might, he couldn't keep the brilliant smile off his face as he made his way to his desk.

* * *

JJ dropped her bag off and headed up to Emily's office. She knocked on the door and stuck her head in. "Hey Em, got a minute?"

Emily looked up from the file she was reading and said "For you? I've got five!"

JJ laughed and came into the office, taking one of the chairs in front of her desk. "So… I have some news."

"Will I like this news?" Emily said, smiling at her friend.

"It's not that kind of news… but I hope you won't be too shocked," JJ replied, sobering.

"Well don't keep me in suspense…" Emily said, just as Garcia poked her head in.

She waved at JJ and said "Hi!" with a big smile. JJ waved back.

"Ma'am, we're ready for the briefing, any time," Penelope said, to Emily.

"Garcia, I've asked you not to call me that." She looked at JJ, "Reminds me too much of Strauss."

JJ said "Hey Garcia, can you come in here for a minute?"

Emily said, "JJ's got some news."

"Oooh!" Penelope said, conspiratorially. "Girl talk?" She entered, shutting the door behind her. "Is there perhaps another golden godchild on the way?"

JJ rolled her eyes. "Don't even start, Penelope. No, this is something I don't think either of you would expect… Will and I are getting divorced."

"JJ!" Emily exclaimed. "What happened, are you alright?"

Penelope gasped and reached out, grabbing JJ's hand.

"I-it's okay, really. He didn't do anything… it's all on me. I left him a few weeks ago, and now I just have to figure out the next step."

"The boys…" Penelope began.

"…are fine, as well as can be expected. They are doing a lot better with it than I thought they would be, especially Henry. We're both being really careful with listening to them, and supportive of each other, at least in front of them." JJ answered. "I just wanted you two to know because it's going to be happening for the foreseeable future, and I didn't want any of you blindsided when it came out."

"JJ, god,  _why?_  I mean, is it something you want to talk about?" Emily asked.

"I appreciate that, really, but I don't want to go into too much detail right now. Just trust me when I say I'm fine… more than fine. I wouldn't be doing this if I wasn't sure this was the absolute right thing to do."

"Does Reid know?" Penelope blurted.

JJ nodded. "He was the first person I told." Penelope and Emily glanced at each other.

Emily said, "Look, whatever you need, you just let us know. Do you need any time off?"

Penelope nodded vigorously and hugged JJ. "If you need me to watch the boys for any reason, or you need wine or just a good talk you call me at any time, night or day, okay? Promise me?"

"Thanks, both of you. It's a relief to tell you. I've been keeping it to myself until I was sure. Then I had to tell Spence, and now you. No Em, I don't need time off, what I need is to work. It's a big life shift and I need grounding. The work does that for me, as weird as that sounds."

"No, I totally get that. Do you want to meet for a drink after to talk more?" Emily asked.

"Maybe? Probably in a day or so. There's been some… developments that I'm still working on." JJ said.

"Oh, okay. You let me know, I'm at your disposal, really." Emily stood and hugged her friend and colleague. "Right now though, we do need to get started. Garcia?"

"OH! Yes, right! The UnSub! We shall carry on in the name of justice! After you, my lovelies." Garcia said, gesturing towards the door.

The women filed out towards the briefing room and Penelope sidled up to JJ and asked, "Can I tell Derek? I have to tell Derek. Do you mind, I mean, is it okay?"

JJ smiled at her effusive friend. "Derek is fine, sure. I just don't think everyone needs to know," she lowered her voice as they entered, the rest of the team already seated. She moved to her usual place next to Spencer, and he looked up at her as she approached, his eyes shining. She returned his gaze and sat, scooting her chair in, as they both did their best to focus on the information being presented.

Spencer was surprised at his own attitude shift, and he was enjoying it. Just a few weeks prior he was unfocused, profoundly unhappy, and unsure of his role in his chosen career. He shook his head and looked down at the file in front of him.  _"What a difference a day makes,"_  he thought. Through all his therapy, meditation, journaling, his Tai Chi practice… all of it had helped, but it was her coming to him, her giving herself to him, that had made the most difference. He knew he'd continue improving, working hard at getting better and managing his issues, and he no longer felt alone in doing any of it. He glanced at JJ and she winked at him, their feet meeting under the table.

What a difference, indeed.

* * *

**Chapter 11**

* * *

  


Will sat at the dining room table, cleaning his gun. The boys were bathed and in bed, the dinner dishes done, with Henry's help.

His wife was out of town with her boyfriend and the rest of her team, catching another murderer.

Some days were better than others… bearable. This was not one of those days. He finished with his firearm, setting it out of the way and stretched out his arms across the table, laying his head down, and letting the tears come. His stomach felt hollow, he couldn't remember the last time he had eaten, and he'd been moving through his days in a fog. The pain, the loss of her, his JJ, was… it felt like it was more than he could stand.

He'd been shot, kidnapped, he'd had explosives chained to him and was nearly blown to bits with a single second to spare. He'd survived a hurricane and the loss of his father, and his partner. Nothing, nothing he had ever experienced had prepared him for this level of pain, of loss.

He got through each day because of his sons. He had to do that for them, to continue to be their dad. But once they were safely tucked in, Will allowed himself to feel the effects of her leaving. And not just leaving, but leaving him because of Spencer Reid.

He had been supportive of their friendship from day one. He had bought in to JJ's wanting Reid to be the boys' godfather, even though he had his doubts. He had allowed…  _endorsed_  her being there for him above all else, thinking that she would see his own trust and love him all the more for it. But instead, he had stood by and watched her love for another man steadily grow until it was too much for her to resist. Until it consumed her.

It hurt to breathe. It hurt to walk, or talk. Making eye contact with his fellow detectives was a visceral torture. He couldn't even find any solace in hate, in anger. He  _liked_  Spencer, and knew him to be a good man. And he loved JJ, with everything he was. He'd always been the one that loved more. Hell, it had taken him years to convince her to marry him, and only his imminent death had finally secured a 'yes'.

Will was under no delusions that he was the love of her life. But he thought they had established such a solid, secure… bond. He had allowed himself to believe in the fact that even though she wasn't madly  _in love_  with him? That she needed him, trusted him, and that there was enough affection between them to keep them working on the marriage, forever.

Now none of that was true and he was left hollowed out, a shattered hull. He tried drinking, something that had always been somewhat of a cultural comfort, but even that didn't help, only making him sadder, more bereft. Hugging his sons didn't even help at this point. All he could see was her when he looked at them, held them. Still, his love and devotion to them was greater than his need for comfort and he went through every motion of every day copying the day before, just to give them a sense of security.

Henry had been spending more time with Spencer, too. They had always had a strong bond, and Spencer had indulged Henry's creatively scientific side when it came to things like magic, and rock-hounding. Henry loved to read, and spent hours looking through the encyclopedias that Spencer had gifted Michael upon his birth. It was almost like his godfather understood that side of Henry more than Will himself did. Will could throw the football with his son, but Spencer could tell him how that football was made, what it was made of, the production process it had actually gone through, and why it followed the trajectory it did. Will knew that he had often become impatient with Henry when he insisted on knowing the 'why' of everything down to the last detail. He also knew he became impatient because it highlighted the limits of his own intellect, whereas Henry had yet to find a limit, short of age. He also knew Spencer didn't have that issue, that he could answer Henry's questions for hours, and would do so gladly. Will envied that.

Jealousy, envy, guilt, anger, fear… all of these things were now something Will dealt with, and fought to tamp down every single day. This was what his life had become, and he couldn't see any way out of it. Insecurity had seeped in too, ever since the day she left, and it was chipping away at his confidence in himself as a parent, a cop, and as a man.

And now it was certain that another man had his wife, and not just her physicality, but her heart, too. He wasn't proud of it, but once in the wee hours he had driven to Spencer's place and had seen JJ's truck parked there. Another time he had even waited until sunrise to see her emerge, looking ravishing and fresh-faced, then saw her look up to where he stood at the window, and blow him a kiss. A kiss.

JJ had never blown  _him_  a kiss, not in their entire time together that he could remember. And he would have remembered.

He laid his head on the table, his cheek resting on the warm wooden surface. As his tears fell, he folded his arms against his stomach, trying to guard against the onslaught of grief and profound sadness he couldn't keep at bay. Why couldn't he hate her? At least that would be something for him to do, to work through, to give him impetus through the days ahead. He could resent Spencer, but he couldn't even hate him either, knowing what he did about the man, and knowing first hand the all-encompassing effect of being in love with JJ.

He was devastated, and he knew it. He also knew he needed to find a way to deal with it. He was a grown man, and N'Awlins men were strong. It was the getting there that was going to be the hardest part. He pushed up from the table, turned out the lights, and took a deep breath. Maybe he'd feel better after a shower. He went to check on the boys first, they now shared a room since Michael was out of his crib. He opened the door a crack, and peering in, noticed Henry's covers were off. He went in and moved to tuck them up around the boy's chin, when he saw Michael's toddler bed was empty. He gently shook Henry's shoulder, waking him.

"Hey there, buddy. Know where your brother went?" He whispered.

Henry yawned and shook his head 'no', rubbing his eyes.

Will jumped and Henry sat up quickly as the familiar sound of his weapon discharging rang through the house, followed by silence.

Dead silence.

 


End file.
